The Pitz

Easter had a very special meaning for me this year - probably more than it ever has before.

This year it meant so much to me because I feel like I finally, truly understood how much I need the Atonement. A desperate need. Because I was in the bottom of The Pit.

I've always been a "good girl." Read my scriptures. Went to church. Paid attention in Sunday School and seminary. I really tried hard to develop my testimony and do what was right. But for whatever reason, I always kind of knew I wasn't "converted." I knew I'd be a lifelong member - don't get me wrong - but I didn't feel like I was that bad of a person, didn't feel like I needed the church or repentance or anything like that. I prayed out of habit and never really expected anything in return.

Last Sunday, a week before Easter, I woke up feeling absolutely worthless, with no real cause. I can't really explain it, but I just had this tangible clarity. I saw myself as I really was. Every bad thing I've done. Every stupid thing I've said (and you could fill books longer and more numerous than the works of Tolkien with them). Even worse, all the embarrassing moments and things about me that just make me cringe.

I'm just not a good person. I'm simply not. Even when I'm trying to be, it seems fake and shallow, which is why so many people see through it. I'm so arrogant. Such a know-it-all. I think I'm invulnerable and perfect. I just try so hard to be liked and included. When I'm not, I just point the finger back at them while still striving to win their approval. No wonder they don't like me. Why would they? I'm nothing if not entirely self-serving.

To sum it all up, I felt worthless. Absolutely worthless. And the worst part? These terrible things about me aren't usually conscious choices, but ingrained facets of my personality and unhealthy habits. For the first time ever I saw myself as "The Natural Man." I have never felt so humbled and scared.

One of my favorite parables of the Atonement is the natural man who digs himself a hole with every bad decision, every mistake, always believing that he has the power, in and of himself, to save himself - to get out of that hole. Eventually, he realizes that his hole is now a pit, and he can't stop digging, let alone get out on his own. No ladder is tall enough. No man-made way out. After an impassioned plea, the only one who can save him, The Savior, appears and lifts him from his hopeless state.

That's where I was. Annoying Danica. Prideful, worldly, snarky, hypocritical Danica. At the bottom of that pit, hopeless. My mistakes span decades. I've squandered so many opportunities to be a good teammate, a righteous example, a faithful friend, an encouraging big sister, a helpful daughter and an optimistic social media user. I've been so fake and so really awful. My shortcomings so totally outweigh my righteous intentions.

"How can I fix those years of being the worst? Even if I could fix these awful mistakes, which I don't intentionally make and have no idea how to change, there's no way my family and friends can change their opinions of me now, not after years of me being so obnoxious. Where do I go from here? Burn everything and start over?" I asked to no one in particular, as I wiped away slow tears.

Then it came so soft and strong, not even from a voice or another person, other than perhaps the Holy Ghost drawing it out of me. It was MY voice, MY head, MY spirit that sat up, after much neglect and ambivalence.

"Obviously, Jesus Christ is your only option. THIS is what all your Sunday School teachers and General Conference talks were referencing. THIS is the Atonement. He is the only one that can erase those mistakes, those embarrassing moments and your every shortcoming. But it works. And it will work for you, too."



I've read about the Atonement. In detail. I've had the awesome EFY Atonement devotional experience. I've testified of my personal knowledge of the Atonement. But until that moment I didn't know that I knew. And I especially didn't know that I needed it so desperately.

But I do know. And I'm so grateful. This week has been so much lighter and better, not JUST because of Spring Break and our awesome vacation (post coming soon), but also because I was so humbled and recommitted to watch myself, repent, try harder, and just to be a better person. I was filled with hope, knowing that His sacrifice covers me and if I do what I need to, I can erase all the stupid stuff I've done.

Those of you who know me in real life - I've done a lot of this stupid stuff to you. You know how insufferable I can be. I know an internet apology really isn't anything at all, but I offer it nonetheless. I'm sorry for being such an obnoxious, hypocritical friend to you all. I do know now what a lame person I am and I'm really going to try to fix it.

Thank you so much for being so good to me anyways. I don't deserve such awesome friends and family, but I am certainly grateful every day for you. I know you are racking up the points in heaven just for being so cool to me when I'm the worst.

So here's to a new me - newer than any New Year, new school year, etc. I'm re-reading all of the October 2012 conference talks to prepare for conference this weekend and studying repentance, forgiveness, true conversion and charity like my life depends on it. Because, really, it does.

Thank goodness for my Savior, Jesus Christ, His magnificent Atonement, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my amazing husband who loves me every day and for all of you.

National Grandparents Day

Growing up I was so lucky to have both sets of grandparents within biking distance of my house. My friends who had to drive to other states over Thanksgiving Break were so jealous. We could see both families on any given holiday. I've been really close with my grandparents and it's been such a blessing.

Now my grandma Vy is all I have left, and she's the greatest. She works at the temple, gets down to play with her puppy Oscar and does Tai Chi. Allegedly she's the one I'm most like, and we get along really well. She's still got the classiest style for miles and I can only hope I look that good at her age.

My grandpa Harold passed away in the fall of 2008. It was kind of a hard, because I'd never lost a family member before, but also because one of my best friends, Britt Dalley had died right before we graduated that spring. He'd had dementia and Alzheimer's for years, and it wasn't too much of a surprise. I wasn't super close with my grandpa Harold, because I was pretty young and he spent a lot of his time with my older cousins, as he was a professor of psychology at BYU. The hardest thing was seeing my grandma and dad deal with it. I did feel some loss that I wouldn't be able to visit his office on campus or take one of his classes like my cousins.

Only a few months later, out of the blue, my grandpa Stan passed away. I was much closer with him. He lived right around the corner and we lived with him (in the house the Beard and I just vacated) when I was young. My grandpa Stan taught me how to change a tire, and was always encouraged my ambition to go to BYU and maybe even law school. He was a "good ole boy," quiet and hardworking. His death was much harder for me, especially because he was so healthy (we thought) and we spent so much time with them.

My grandma Nancy has always been the closest. We were the best of friends. We spent so much time together even as I got older. She was the first person I called to talk to when I landed back in the US from London. She was such an amazing example of compassion and cheerfulness. She was incredibly racist and old fashioned. She was just the best. For the 2 years she lived after my grandpa Stan passed away, she missed him terribly. She had been very unhealthy and in pain for years and years, and all she wanted was to "move on." So we saw it coming. Her death was probably the least shocking and most peaceful. I was so happy for her.

However, as time has passed since her death I find myself missing her more and more. She never met the Beard but would have LOVED him. She wasn't here to visit when I got my engagement ring. She wasn't at my wedding. I couldn't call her when funny things happened at school my first year of teaching. She won't be there to meet my first child. I wish she could be.

This picture was taken for my cousins Jessica, Justin, and Jake on missions, but I kept thinking it applied to my grandparents too. 

The day before I got married, my mom and aunt Lisa surprised me with a beautiful, delicate opal necklace. They were stones from my grandma, one for each of her granddaughters and my mom and Lisa had them made into these beautiful necklaces for our wedding days. I felt like she was with me and it was so comforting. As we lived in the "Old House" and used her Christmas decorations I felt so close to her and knew she wanted it that way.

You can kind of see the necklace here.

I wore the necklace today and felt really comforted at church when quotes on faith and love warmed my heart. I have been so lucky to have amazing grandparents, and now I have four more because the Beard's grandparents are still with us and remind me so much of both sets of mine.

Grandma & Grandpa Holdaway

I miss my grandparents, especially Grandma Nancy but thank goodness for the Plan of Salvation. I hope they are watching over me, but it also freaks me out. They'd be embarrassed by things that I do (the amount of popcorn I eat, probably) and say (Grandma Nancy probably wouldn't mind the swearing actually). So hopefully they only see the good stuff. :) I'm so glad I know they're happy and I'll see them again or life would be absolutely miserable. Families are forever. How great is that?!