My Butt is on Instagram

Over the past several weeks I've had quite a few former students come to see me and I've been able to find out some interesting information. I have summarized this information as such:

• The 9th grade boys who couldn't wait to get out of the "stupid" middle school and into the real world quickly realized how insignificant a high school boy can be
• The 8th grade kids who complained all last year about how much reading and work I gave them all came back to tell me how easy my class was compared to 9th grade. Last laugh.
• My gifted penis artist from last year is now incarcerated on a variety of offenses, but vandalism wasn't one of them, surprisingly
• One of my girls stayed almost an hour after school telling me about how her and her best friend got in a huge fight about her friend starting to do drugs and now they don't talk.
• One of our punk 9th graders from last year is counting down the days until he can drop out
• A bunch of my boys from last year smoke copious amounts of pot. COPIOUS AMOUNTS. 
• One of my girls from last year who really struggled came down to tell me she's getting an A in Geography this year so far and plans to get an A all year! Awesome!
• One of the boys from last year used to take pictures of me during class, especially when I'd bend over. Allegedly there are photos on Instagram, although I can't confirm that.
• One of my girls told me her parents went through an ugly divorce and now her dad yells at her every night about how much she costs to raise.
• One shy girl, a girl very under-my-radar, at parent teacher conferences said "I brought my mom to meet you because you're my favorite teacher!" Blindsided me in a good and guilty way.

Sometimes I forget with all the extreme perfume/cologne, laziness and cartoon genitalia, that these kids actually do have tough lives. Middle school isn't easy, and neither is figuring out who you are on this crazy planet. Bullying is real. Drugs are dangerous. School is hard. Families can suck.

180 days seems like such a long time. But I already look back at my kids from last year and think "That went by so fast. I had almost no time with you." I'm in this weird position where I love these kids so much, but I only see them for 45 minutes and its 90% academic & behavior. BUT I care so much about their social and emotional well-being and futures. BUT I have no control over it and very little influence on it during the times I see them.

Seeing these old students and recognizing that A. The year flies by. and B. Their lives are so much more than just school, helps give me much needed perspective on what it means to be a teacher and what's really important.

Is the world gonna end if they don't know who Nathaniel Bacon is? No.

But it might if they feel like no one loves or respects them. If they feel like no one believes in them and wants them to succeed.

It's important to me that these kids feel love and respect every day. It's important that they know they can succeed. And it's important that they know finishing high school without doing drugs is walking through a door that will lead to happiness. 

It's also important to me that no more students snap pics of my backside, so I'm increasingly vigilant this year. Snapchatters beware. 

Dear Danica: A Reminder

My schedule has definitely intensified over the past few weeks - I have 2 more committee meetings taking up time after school, at least an hour or two of reading and writing each night for my Masters, roughly 3-4 hours per week for my new calling in Young Womens, regular chores/laundry/gym/cooking etc, and spending all my extra time working on my new blog update (to be revealed soon!).

{Also today and tomorrow I'll be working 13 hour days for Parent-Teacher Conferences - thankfully I get Friday off though!}

I'm not complaining. This is not only 100% normal and doable, but also way less than most supermoms tackle in a single DAY. It just means I have to prioritize and plan much more than I usual do. I'm now hyper-aware of when and where I'm spending my hours.

A few days ago I opened up my bloglovin to find hundreds of unread posts, some most for blogs I haven't caught up on in a month or more. 

Then I opened Twitter to scroll through and see tweets from people that I had to stop and ask "Wait. Who is this? Is this a blogger? Random person I followed back? Douchey guy from high school that just subtweets girl problems?"

Next it was Instagram, to much the same effect. "Who is this girl? I don't even like her outfit. Why can I see more boobs than your face, sweetie? Why am I following 100 random small fashion companies?"

I have a stack of 3 books I've checked out from the library and started, but not finished. 

I publish my little brother's letters on a blog and post them on his Facebook and Twitter to make the posts accessible to his friends to keep in touch. I noticed that MY BABY BROTHER, who isn't even in the continental US or tweeting regularly has almost 500 followers. 

I've been working on my blog update and thinking a lot about the type of blogger I want to be and if I'm the type to ever have hundreds of followers or sponsors or the whole shebang. How much do I really care about the internet? What does it mean for my life?

So this is a reminder to you, Danica Holdaway. Because you forget this all the time. 

It's ok to unfollow tweeters you find boring and Instagrammers you find slutty.

It's ok if people unfollow you or don't follow you in the first place. It's about quality, not quantity. Don't compromise your humor, beliefs or personality for a number. 

It's ok to not read the "IT" blogs that everyone seems to love. Sometimes things just aren't for you.

It's ok if you don't feel the desire to sponsor or be sponsored. 

It's ok if you don't post every day or even every week. This is YOUR blog, not anyone else's.

It's ok if you don't read all the blog posts each day. They'll survive.

It's ok if you don't think of something hilarious or cute every single day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder or something?

It's ok to blow off an hour to just read, or nap, or Pinterest. Your head will explode if you don't.


Take a breath, Danica. Blogging is weird and kind of stupid, but fun. That's all it needs to be. 

Let those Instagram, Twitter and Facebook icons rest. Social Media is awesome, but shouldn't be a chore. 

Be yourself and let the internet world work for YOU, not the other way around. 


Incidentally, I love all you readers. You make my life better and I love you. I love you! Thanks for everything. You keep me going and keep me inspired. Big hugs coming through this screen for you. 

xoxo Gossip Girl/Danica

A Response to the FYI Post and Slut-Shaming

DISCLAIMER: This is MY blog and MY thoughts. You are also entitled to your own. I love a good discussion and sharing viewpoints. I DON'T like when people respond with "You're wrong!" or "This is so stupid!" or any other idiot way of responding. Be an adult. Start with "I actually think that..." or "See, I feel like..." so we can actually have a civilized conversation. You're not going to actually change anyone's mind. If my mind changes, it's because I changed it, not you. If you come into any argument guns blazing, shouting your viewpoint and degrading others, I tune you out and also I reserve the right to hate you. Fair warning? Ok. Let's proceed.

Yesterday I read the FYI post by Mrs. Hall about her boys, their girl friends, and social media. Read it here.

Then I read a response to Mrs. Hall, somewhat disagreeing and also expanding her argument. Read it here.

Really. Go read them. I'll wait.






Ok thank you. Here is HOW I SEE IT. Not how it's universally to be determined or defined. Just the view of a middle school teacher who works with teens and pre-teens every day. Sure, I'm no mom. But if you think your kid's teachers aren't seeing sides of your kid that you don't see, sides they hide from you or change when you're around, you're delusional. I'm around these kids when they are around their friends, some of whom you've never even met. I'm around them, but I'm nearly invisible at times. They don't even really think of their teachers as "adults" and often ignore our presence in the hallways and classrooms - they say and do things they'd never do in front of their parents and siblings. I've even called home to let a few parents know about things I've overheard that were significant. (If you're ever worried about your kid - try calling their teacher. Find out what you don't know. They're happy to help because they LOVE your kid. I promise) I know how they refer to one another, I know what they say about social media, I even see their social media from time to time. So here is my un-expert opinion on boys, girls, posting sketchy selfies and who we should blame (Hint: It's no one, because blaming "society as a whole!" is bull*&^$. It's not about blame, it's about goals for the future.)

Blog #1 - Mrs. Hall - is saying basically 3 things (I'll paraphrase)

1. "Hey Girls. I know you're picturing your besties, jealous girls and a few key guys you're hoping to attract when you post these pics, but be aware that other people can also see." Really helpful reminder - for all of us! I'll post stuff just thinking of my friends, and not really think about my mom, mother-in-law, student's parents being able to see it. Post like EVERYONE is watching. She says this gently and with love - not slut-shaming. She says you can reclaim your image, delete things, work on it. That's great. I agree.
2. She points out that there are consequences for both parties when photos like that are posted. Never at any point does she actually BLAME the girls or her boys. She does talk about responsibility, which is different, and more important than blame. This is where I'm finding a lot of people getting really overexcited about the "blame the boys!" argument. She never says "It's your fault my boys think sexual thoughts you slutty women!" No. She says what is essentially true - It's possible that when people see a photo of you, their view of you may change, often against your will. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS AS TRUTH, REGARDLESS OF GENDER. For good or bad, any photo can change how you see a person. Did she say that her boys should instantly stop respecting those girls and treat them terribly? No. She didn't. In fact, she seems pretty adamant that her sons respect all women. It doesn't have to be a double standard unless you make it one. I believe she'll make her daughter delete boys who post pics and statuses like that too. The point of this that when we see pictures of girls or boys, objectifying themselves or showing skills, looking smart or looking stupid, our opinion can change and we need to be aware of the messages we send, good and bad. 
3. "There are respectful, decent, classy gentlemen out there that are looking for girls with integrity - wait for them. You may feel like the only way to get a man is through turning yourself into an object, but believe in your beauty and know that it isn't true." Amen, amen and amen. I see these girls every day, I see these boys every day. I see them value the visual and physical, the temporary. Let's promote class and modesty, beauty and knowledge, appreciation and gratitude. 

Blog #2 - Ms. Hains - is saying basically 3 things (paraphrased)

1.  "It's not the girl's fault, it is the boy's. They are choosing to have certain thoughts/desires/actions." I agree with this! I don't agree that Mrs. Hall places the blame on the ladies, though. She doesn't. If you actually READ the post, she loves those girls too and wants the best for them. She is reinforcing her sons' agency by having them take control and delete those young women that may present challenges to them as they work on respecting and honoring women. She knows her boys are responsible for themselves, and she supports it. I'm about to confess something dramatic and potentially scandalous - a mild 'sorry' to my conservative Holdaway clan - but I do wear bikinis on occasion. Not always, but sometimes. I don't wear them to be sexy or show off. I wear them because they fit better, they're easier to find, buy and care for, and I like them. If people have a problem with it, they are choosing that problem - this includes men that see me as a sexual object. HOWEVER. It isn't only the boys fault! If the boys have agency, so do the ladies! Girls are sometimes CHOOSING to show themselves as objects and see themselves that way. Ideally, yes, men would control their thoughts and desires and opinions about women as objects. But for some men and boys they simply aren't going to, and you as women can't control their thoughts - only the way you represent yourself. So make good choices and hope that the boys will follow your lead. Ditch them if they don't - you deserve better. 
2. "The real problem is the objectification of girls - by men and by themselves!" 100% correct. And this is why I think people who bash "slut-shaming" as bad or immoral are completely missing the mark. Slut-shaming, like anything else, should never be rude, derogatory or bullying. That being said, we can't speak out against the objectification of women while also empowering and supporting the objectification of women. Miley Cyrus, case in point. People are defending her freedom of choice, expression, sexuality, adulthood, what-have-you and saying that "slut-shaming" her is sexist. Really? You don't think that the fact that she thought it was appropriate and acceptable that she represent herself as a sexual object with a married man on national television isn't more objectifying? Go ahead. Think whatever you want. But that's just backwards.
3. "We need to teach our sons respect and compassion so that girls don't feel the need to objectify, and so boys don't dwell solely on sexuality." Agree, but again. There IS some responsibility for the ladies. Ideally, yes, again, men should never objectify women. But if girls don't take the time to de-objectify themselves and appreciate their self-worth, how can they expect anyone else to? Many of the girls don't even understand that they are objectifying themselves and that's the role of a parent, teacher, loved one to sit her down and TELL HER how much she's worth. How much she's loved. How many awesome and great things she'll do if she just believes in herself. How much life there is outside of junior high, high school or college.

No one is to "blame" here. Boys will think what they want, hopefully learning to control their thoughts and respect women, as taught by their parents, teachers and friends. Girls will dress and selfie how they want, hopefully learning to represent themselves with the worth they see in themselves, as taught by their parents, teachers and friends.

Stop blaming. Start loving.

Stop pointing fingers. Start pointing out the good things.

These kids are so vulnerable. So confused. So TEMPORARY. They can't see the big picture. They can't see their worth. They can't see that one day they will be adults, one day someone will love them for THEM. We have to be their advocates. We have to tell them how important they are, and how important their gender counterparts are to get them to respect each other and themselves.

It's not about boys or girls, kids or adults. It's about love and respect. Right? Let's do this. Let's help them. Let's love them. Let's talk to them. Let's lead by example. Let's dance. Let's hug and eat guacamole. Let's watch old Disney movies and high five. Ok this is getting away from me. Bye.

Sometimes-Always-Never: Utah Motherhood Trends

So my Happiness Project last week took me through books, pinboards, documentaries and blog posts about all things motherhood: pregnancy, childbirth, infant care and even parenting philosophies. A lot of the material I found was awesome. I'm only mildly terrified now. But there was so much ridiculous stuff that was just... too.... Utah for me. And I'm FROM Utah. I love Utah. But we've got some problems, you guys. So I thought I'd offer some help. Here are my rules for motherhood.

Sometimes

Unique names. My name is DANICA. Sure, it's more mainstream now. But it wasn't 23 years ago. And I love my name. Wouldn't it be boring if the boys were all named Jason and the girls were all named Brittany? (name that movie) HOWEVER. This is a SOMETIMES.

via Pinterest & Buzzfeed

• Follow the rules of freaking phonics. They exist for a reason. Take an English class. 
• If you name all 8 of your kids crazy Utah names I solemnly promise to call them all by the wrong names. "Oh how's Timpanogos doing in day care?" "... Um... it's Tiyara." "No... I'm pretty sure it's Timpanogos."
• NO APOSTROPHES
•  Picking a common name - Kylie, for instance, and spelling it "Kieleiygh" does not make you unique. It makes you hated by teachers, food service industry workers, and anyone else who has to be corrected during the course of your little one's lifetime. 
• I could keep going, but this article hits it out of the park. Read it for an LOL.

That being said - if you have a unique name, especially a family name, that is phonetically non-idiotic and can belong to someone who is 40 and a CEO, good for you. Go for it. 

Post ultrasounds. The Beard is very vocal and opinionated about this. He thinks it's super gross to see the inside of someone's uterus. He thinks it's super inappropriate to post that on something so public like Instagram or Facebook. I don't really care that much. I don't like the super realistic, 3D looking ones that show like eyes and noses and stuff. Yikes. The grainy black-n-whites? Not so concerned. I can never see anything so I don't care. HOWEVER. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS DECENT AND PURE --- DO NOT CIRCLE, OUTLINE OR DRAW AN ARROW TO YOUR BABY'S TINY JUNK. Please. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. Someone in my Insta feed actually did that a few months ago and I was horrified. We believe you. It's a boy. No need to outline his little weeny in bright red. No thank you. You realize that kid is gonna be like 16 one day and that photo is horrifying?

Always

Do what is right for you, and more importantly, your baby. I already had people telling me that I shouldn't drink Diet Coke when I get pregnant. My friend's family was pressuring her into a natural home birth. There is a plethora of information out there. But like I've said before - people have been doing this for hundreds of years and childbirth is a NATURAL thing. My friend, also named Danica incidentally, emailed me and basically said "All your baby really needs is food, diapers and sleep. It's not rocket science." We can do this, even without the internet and library. Make the informed decisions that feel best to you and keep them to yourself. No one should tell you what to do (except maybe medical professionals, probs) and that also means you shouldn't tell anyone else what to do. {Obviously don't smoke or drink or get in physical fights or crap like that. Goes without saying.}

Never

Posting pictures of your naked, stretch-marked belly for everyone to see is gross and weird. I'm so proud of you. It's amazing. It's a miracle. But for pete's sake just keep a shirt on.

Take this photo for example - a couple of things I really like about this

1. Weird orb of a belly. You can't look away. It's like a car wreck. I can't help but picture the baby bursting out Alien-style.
2. Sexual boob cleavage. Classy. Perfect for a maternity shoot.
3. A dainty flower indicating.. well I don't really know. Fertility? Natural childbirth? It's just something for her hands to do instead of constantly stroking the giant belly?
4. Whenever I see a pregnant belly button it makes me think of sausage and that's uncomfortable for everyone. 
5. The only thing we're missing here is the dad doing something really weird like laying his head on the belly or grabbing it weirdly from behind her. Maybe also naked. 

How do you take photos of your baby in such ridiculous situations? Just take NORMAL PHOTOS.

Headbands are so cute on babies. I love them. This is pretty above and beyond. Do we need flapper headbands and YARN WIGS? Too much. Amiright?

All I see here is the baby having an explosive blowout in this bowl of fruit loops and it makes me gag a little in my mouth.


 Can we all agree that these rules are reasonable and will improve society? If you agree please pass along to your pregnant and one-day-pregnant friends so we can take control of this terrifying trend cycle. I know we can make a difference.

I Think I'll Go To Boston

I am en route to Boston for a weeklong Field Study! We're going to Boston, Plymouth Rock, Lexington & Concord, Mystic CT, West Point, Morristown, Philadelphia and Valley Forge. Just a bunch of history teachers, getting our nerd on.

Follow along with me on Instagram (@dholdy) for some hopefully awesome and patriotic pics. 

There are a few good things in the works for this week while I'm away, though - some belated outfit photos from Hawaii today and possibly a guest post from the Beard! The famous Beard!

Anyways, we took these outfit photos when we were waiting for a table in Hawaii, and I forgot about them until now.

Dress: Cotton On, Chambray: F21, Sandals: Forever Young, Headband: F21, Purse: Steve Madden

This was pretty much what I wore every day. Some form of maxi dress/skirt, sandals and a sub-10 second hairstyle.

As far as makeup goes, all I wore was my new Supergoop CC cream with SPF (obviously) and mascara. Maybe some creme blush for dinner.

That's my kind of vacation - no hair, no makeup, no pants and plenty of aloe vera. My back looks like leprosy. TMI. Sorry.

How to Interpret the Finals Week Posts In Your Feed

It's that time of year. The lovely, refreshing, rebirth of all the idiots who try to out-finals one another.

For your convenience, I put together a basic list of interpretations:

"I have 27 papers, 14 projects and 9 finals this week! Omg!" = I'm an idiot that can't read a course catalog.

"I slept 5 hours in the last 2 days! Soooooo TiReD!" = I'm an idiot that can't manage my time.

*Picture of $300 worth of junk food* "Must be finals week LOL" = I'm an idiot that needs constant sugar breaks to help my short attention span while "studying." BONUS - also an idiot that will act pissed about getting sick during/after finals while treating my body like crap before/during finals.

"Looks like I'll be cramming all night!" = I'm an idiot that was lazy all semester and did nothing to study or prepare for class.

"Here comes finals! I'm SCREWED! Wish me luck!" = I'm an idiot that is scared and desperately needs others to diminish their feelings of guilt and worthlessness.

"You know you're screwed when you don't even recognize some words on the review! #help" = I'm an idiot that never went to class because I slept through it even though it was at 11 am.

"My professor is INSANE! How can you assign this much for FINALS WEEK?!" = I'm an idiot who doesn't understand the rigor of a college education and has to blame mistakes on others.

"Just failed that final, and guess what? I don't even care! YOLO!" = I'm an idiot that is intensely concerned about that test score and feels like the idiot that I am.

"I handed in my papers late and 50% done, but whatever because I'M GRADUATEDDDDDD!!!!" = I'm an idiot that you will now have to deal with in the professional workforce. Congratulations.