There's an Alien Inside of Me! (Spoiler Alert: Not a Baby)

Nope, not pregnant. That is a quote from Modern Family, a favorite show, referencing the movie Alien, a favorite movie.

Thanks for all your concern on Instagram and Twitter. Here is the update - alive, not dying yet.

So I've basically been sick for a month. I had the flu over three weeks ago, kicked it just in time for a mild head cold to take center stage the week before Valentines, and then I was feeling almost better just in time to head down to St. George for the long President's Day weekend.

Huge Con of Being a Teacher: Sometimes it doesn't matter how many times a day you use hand sanitizer, how often you make them clean their desks, how much Vitamin C you take and how much sleep you try to get. Kids are germ factories and virus vehicles. You will get sick and remain at least 40% unwell from November-March.

But last week I got a new kind of sick. Everything I ate made my stomach hurt - not just churning or upset - like physical stabbing pains. The thought, smell and sight of food made me nauseous and I could barely eat. Sometimes the stomach pains were so bad I couldn't stand up straight and had to go lie down. Crackers, Pepto, Tums - nothing worked. I wasn't even sleeping because the pains were waking me up every few hours.

This continued, getting worse and better at times until I finally went to Instacare on Wednesday. Let's quickly review my symptoms - stomach pain, nausea, indigestion, weakness and headaches.

The doctor (a man. I'm sexist and always prefer women doctors/nurses) came back with the diagnosis of a urinary tract infection (UTI).

I almost laughed in his face. "Am I getting punked? Where's Ashton?!!!"

But my amusement quickly turned to anger as he wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic, told me to keep taking Tums and sent me on my way. Really? REALLY?!

Thursday I had a sub and spent most of the day on the couch sipping cranberry juice. Friday when I got to school I was dying, so the teachers kindly took care of my sub and told me to go get looked at.

Back at Instacare they found more white blood cells in my blood than is normal, indicating an infection. My stomach pains got worse and worse as they poked and prodded me.

"Does it hurt.... here? .... here?" "YES DAMMIT IT HURTS EVERYWHERE YOU POKE."

They send me over to Altaview Hospital to drink Iodine-Crystal Light cocktails and get a CT scan, where the cute and concerned Beard meets me. They make me leave the intrusive IV in my arm *just in case*, which sucks.

They find nothing, even as I sit there writhing in uncomfortable pain.

Eff my life. So I spent my weekend sleeping and chewing Tums, drinking lots of water and cursing Intermountain Health Care.

But I'm back at school this week, somewhat functioning, feeling a little better and praying I survive through Parent-Teacher Conferences this Wednesday/Thursday. (Friday off snitches! Sometimes being a teacher is rad.)