Our Fake Baby, Apollo

Yesterday, I listed "Apollo" as one of the "odd things" in my house and promised an explanation - here goes.

When Ryan & I were engaged, so were our besties, Brad & Eliesa. My other bestie, Katie, was pregnant with her little sweetheart Diva Eva. And the three of us - Katie, Eliesa & I, worked at the LAO.

During the summer months it got really boring, especially in the afternoons. We'd find things to keep us entertained when everyone was gone.

• Online Typing Tests
• Tomhaverfoods.com
• Stalking singles ward members
• Creating/posting for BYUStyle
• Running to the South End Market, AKA "South of the Border" for Diet Coke

But the weirdest turn those afternoons ever took was the day we created Apollo.

Katie was pregnant and we were talking about ugly babies. Because there are ugly babies. You know there are. We all like to pretend like babies are all perfect and beautiful, but the fact is that some babies are just scary and, as my dad would say "Give that monkey a banana."

To be sure that her baby wouldn't be ugly, she found a free site that takes photos of two interested parties and shows what their theoretical child would look like. If I'm remembering correctly, the first few came out looking troll-like, even though Katie and TJ are goodlooking people. Eliesa joined in with pictures of her and Brad, similar results. I'm serious. Go look at the babies on the front page of the website and you'll see what I mean.

They asked me several times to join in, but I wasn't having it. I was (and still slightly am) terrified of babies and being a mother. I didn't like to think about it. On top of that, my mother-in-law was (and still completely is) all about being a grandma.

Eventually, they pulled pictures of Ryan and me from Facebook and just did it for us. I was pretty scared actually, after seeing so many weird combinations from my friends, all of whom I thought were above average looking people.

But then, they showed me this. And I got over my baby fear. For about 15 seconds. I mean. Look at those curls and that devious little smile?

I emailed it to Ryan, who promptly named him Apollo and forwarded him to my mother-in-law, who promptly printed him out and taped him to her computer. She still affectionately refers to him as her "Little Grandbaby Apollo, who like Mac n Cheese and brings sticks in the house."

He now hangs on our fridge - each day making me slightly less scared for becoming parents.

Until I see a kid screaming uncontrollably at Walmart and then puke all down his front.

Reset button.

Goodbyes Are Such B*tches, You Guys.

I don't know who decided to fill my dream summer with bittersweet moments, but it wasn't me. And don't start into the whole "You can't have the bitter without the sweet." I know. I get it. But still. I spent a decent amount of my summer saying goodbye to things I loved.

First, The Office. Well, The Office as it should be. I WILL still be following The Office this fall, without Michael Scott. But we all know it will never be the same. Laugh all you want at Little Miss Danica, but The Office means a lot to me. It defined me during formative years. It nails my humor in a singular way. There have been times when I've felt lost, discouraged, depressed, and the only prescription that seemed to work was the friendly Jim/Dwight rivalry, a handful of ignorant Michael Scott comments, a dash of wacky Creed, and general Office camaraderie.

The clock just would not stop ticking as the "Goodbye Michael" episode neared. I didn't even want to watch it. I felt like a part of me would die or be lost. The Office without Michael is like chips with no salsa. Coke with no Diet. Danica with no Beard. OBVIOUSLY I was gonna watch it. But I was scared. Especially to watch it with The Beard. I knew I'd be emotional. And I've never really been a crier. But it was inevitable. The Beard would have to see that side of me sooner or later.

Well, it was sooner. I fell to pieces. Absolutely fell apart. Ryan's white tee sleeve was streaked with mascara. I couldn't believe it was happening. The moment between Jim and Michael melted my heart completely. The years of frustration and anger dissolved in the cathartic goodbye that wasn't. They did a fantastic job. It was hard, but it was time. I said goodbye.

Then it was goodbye to the LAO. No need to dwell on that. It's all been said and done.

When a student is struggling with a concept, the recommendation is to increase the FIT.

Frequency

Intensity

Time

I practiced my crying by increasing all three of these during Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. It didn't stop. My head was throbbing. The Beard watched with me and concealed his embarrassment. That's why I love him. It was really hard to say goodbye to Harry Potter. Again, something I've loved since I was probably 11. Harry Potter is amazing. J.K. Rowling saved books. Twilight is ridiculous (although I read them), Hunger Games are pretty awesome, and there are other respectable options for young adult and universally appealing fiction. But I think I'm right in saying nothing will touch Harry Potter. Ever, probs. I love to reread them. The movies got better and better. The geek humor of following Harry Potter religiously is incredibly endearing. Thank you, J.K. Rowling. Thank you Harry Potter.

Finally, I said goodbye to my last name. Danica Budge had such a nice ring to it. That's been my name. It's everywhere. Email, Twitter, all kinds of social media, all my online shopping accounts (which are numerous, I assure you). Social Security was a bit of a hassle. Changing my information with Nebo School District took a while. I still haven't even dealt with BYU. It's still a little weird when I habitually sign my name "Danica Budge." Have 200 kids call me "Mrs. Holdaway!" or "Mrs. HALDaway!" all day has helped with the tradition.

But you know what? I love being a Holdaway. I didn't shed a tear over that one. I've joined another family that I'm so proud to be a part of. I like to label myself as The Beard's by taking his name. It's an indication of our new little family. I'll always be a Budge. But now I'm a Holdaway. And it feels great.

How to Parallel Park a Bookcart: A Secretary's Tale

Three years ago, I was a newly-graduated 18 year old, full of hope and excitement for the opportunities lying ahead of me at BYU. I decided I wanted to be more of an adult. More independent. More grown up. I decided to move out and to start applying for part-time jobs, even at the behest of my parents. I was lucky enough to get 10 or 12 interviews for jobs on campus, but nothing seemed to pan out. I was a freshman. No one will hire a freshman for a demanding secretary or receptionist position, which was exactly what I wanted. (Knowing my addiction to The Office, you can hardly be surprised.)

I still remember my interview at the LAO. I remember standing in the atrium, waiting in the chairs by the front desk, the interview with Wendy & Dave, and walking to my car thinking "Well, there's goes another interview with people who just classify me as a naive freshman." I was sitting in my room days later when Wendy called to offer me the job. I was absolutely pumped. I knew my prayers were being answered and that this job was going to be very important to who I became at BYU. And I was right.

I began at the bottom of the totem pole. I worked with Cody & Dave, both married seniors who had worked in the LAO for quite a while. From them I learned how to be professional. How to relate to adults in a work environment. How to use Google Docs and program code for Wiki sites. The best tips and tricks for the Testing Center, bookstore, and campus in general. Because of them and this job, I never felt like a true freshman. Because of them I was ahead of the campus curve. Thanks guys.

After Cody and Dave left the following April, I became #1. It is a coveted position. The AUL's (Assistant University Librarians, the administrators in my office) began to trust me. Librarians and full-time employees began to know my name. I really started to get a hang of it. The LAO became my home away from home, and I sold my soul to it. I would miss class to help with lunches and projects. I'd stay late for conferences. I would often get in trouble for working over 20 hours a week, but everyone in my office knew I was a slave and loved it. I knew I was a goner when my friends and family would ask how the library was going every time they'd see me. Embarrassing.

Last summer when I left for Wales, I was so grateful the LAO held my job for me. It might have been a deal breaker for my study abroad if they hadn't. Being gone for 6 weeks made me realize how much my life revolved around my job. All my study abroad friends new about my job and how much I loved the library. I missed the inside jokes and even wondered about how daily tasks and small projects were going back at the office. I found myself snapping hundreds of pictures of libraries and sending them to the office.

In all honesty, the best part of my time here at the LAO has been the friendships. I have formed some of the greatest friendships of my life here in this office. People I would never have been friends with otherwise. People that have impacted my life immeasurably. People I love.

• Katie. [We bonded over Michael Scott, Cocoa Bean and Las Vegas.]
• Kami. [A co-secretary, now on a mission, that became a much-needed friend and fellow Harry Potter enthusiast for Summer and Fall 2009.]
• Aremy. [An LAO Secretary legend. She is the cutest mother and wife, and I always looked up to her.]
• Paul. [My baseball buddy back in the business office, and a Royals fan. Ouch.]
• Eliesa. [BFF, and the best little designer I know. Congrats E & B! Love you!]
• Tiffany. [One of my best friends that taught me it's ok to be a little touchy-feely. :)]
• Chris. [Started as a shy little project for me, and became one of my best friends and Zombie partner in crime.]
• Laura. [The only person who understands my Star Trek jokes.]
• Jeanette. [Mini-Me and the funniest freshman I know. Look out for this girl in the Advertising program soon. She'll change the world.]
• Cassandra. [Actually not an employee of the LAO, but we'll claim her. She's our newest little buddy and we just love her.]

I'm actually falling apart emotionally as I type this and realize just how special the camaraderie in this office is. It's even better than the great relationships I built with teams I played on. And I don't know how it happened. I'm just eternally grateful that it did. These people have changed my life and made me better, and they aren't just work friendships. We will be friends forever. I know it. Even though I'm leaving, I can't wait to come visit Katie's baby, have dinner parties with E&B, congratulate Chris on his engagement and wedding, watch Jeanette take the Advertising world by storm, and hear about all the guys that come into our office just to ask Laura out.

I became who I am because of the Library Administrative Office. The technical skills I've learned have been absolutely crucial to my academic career. The social and professional skills I've learned, I'll carry with me in my personal life and in the classroom for years to come. But the memories, the most important and most valuable, I'll have forever. Cocoa Bean. Binder assembly lines. Office parties. Lemonade and Christmas punch slushies. Office supply shows. Arrested Development quoting. Treat Monday/Tuesday. Hating on Grad Studies and random librarians. Inside jokes. And especially just the daily office time, catching up and hanging out together. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Thank you LAO. Thank you HBLL. Thank you Wendy. Thank you friends. Thank you Heavenly Father for providing me this job, this opportunity and these wonderful people to color my life.

LAO Secretary for life!

Bridezillas: The Epidemic

Don't worry. I'm not turning this into a wedding blog, a place to vent or a glorified to do list. You guys know me better than that. So you can keep reading.

It is a prevalent stereotype (and I feel like an accurate one) that weddings induce crazy stress and infect young girls with the Bridezilla virus. As it courses through her veins, her blood pressure rises. Her resting heart rate jumps. Her pupils dilate. The ringing in her ears can not be identified or halted. Paranoia ensues. And that's it--she's at the mercy of Bridezillitis, to be released no sooner than the day of the wedding.

I've been anxiously anticipating my imminent infection and subsequent mutation. [Unfortunately not cool like X-Men.] I knew that if anyone was prepared with skills of planning, comparing, coordinating, organizing, making rational decisions and creating lists like a BOSS, it was me. But that wouldn't save me. That's not the inoculation. Sooner or later it would hit me.

But it hasn't. It should have. Especially with a 2-month engagement and an empty classroom with my name on it waiting for me immediately afterwards. Especially since I'm the least creative, crafty, design-y person you know or will ever know. Especially since I'm only about half way through planning. Why hasn't it hit me? Why haven't I freaked out? Why am I still a "gush geyser" (as Ryan so lovingly calls me)?

At dinner with our friends last night, they asked how the wedding planning was going. I updated them on our plans and remarked how fun it had been. Everything had been falling into place and I hadn't been stressed at all. I was just excited and happy. Then Becca said something that made so much sense.

"There are two types of brides. And only two. There are girls who are excited for and preparing for the wedding, and then there are girls who are excited for and preparing for the marriage."

I would say the second is true for me. I'm definitely excited for the wedding and our party is gonna be BOMB. Seriously. You're all invited, obvs. Don't miss it. But we're getting married for the right reasons and the wedding is just means to an end. That's why everything is just a fun addition. THAT'S THE INOCULATION!!!!!

But really. I meant it when I said this wasn't a wedding blog. This was real inspiration stuff. What Becca said reminded me of a catchphrase used by Brother Goodman, my freshman year Mission Prep teacher.

"Why am I doing?"

Grammatically incorrect (sorry Cristina). Yet poignant. He said that we should always ask ourselves "Why am I doing ___?" That's always stuck with me. Our underlying motivation matters, and the thought really does count. Awareness of our motivation protects us from bad decisions, prevents us from wasting our time, and ensures our maximum satisfaction.

I may have this figured out in the wedding prep sphere. But the challenge will be to continue to focus on what matters. In other spheres of my life, I definitely don't have this principle figured out. Why am I at work? Because I have to be. Because I need to get paid. But it should be because I want to help the Library Administration Office. Because I take pride in my work. Because I want to develop good work habits and skills.

Why am I hanging out with my family? Why am I going to church? Why am I drinking so much Diet Coke?

Why are YOU doing?

It's a party in the L-A-O

As I prepare to leave for Wales (24 hours from RIGHT NOW!), I've been so overwhelmed with gratitude for the love my friends have shown me. I have literally been out every night with different people who wanted to hang out before I leave and I've been having the time of my life. Particularly, the people in my office have been great, so I wanted to express my appreciation for them and dedicate a post to my beloved LAO.

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I LOVE my job. I LOVE my office. I LOVE my coworkers. I am seriously the luckiest girl ever. Right out of high school I started interviewing for jobs on campus and was lucky enough to land a position as an Administrative Secretary in the Library Administration Office. I'm about to hit my 2 year mark working here and will probably be here another year, longer if I can swing it.The best part about the office is definitely the people. We seriously have so much fun. At any given time, the current staff is always cool overall, but usually includes a couple people that are weird or don't get along well with others. But right now our crew is LEGIT. It's the best ever. Everyone is cool, gets along, and stays updated on the lives of one another. As gay as it may sound, we're totally a family and support each other. We held down an entire table at Katie's reception and it was a riot.


In the past two weeks, Katie wrote a blog post about me that made me cry a little despite my heart of stone, Eliesa made me a Wales playlist, which I'm already wearing out. :) Christopher is lending me a zombie book to read on my flight. Dash hooked me up with a Sammy's run. Sushi/MST3K night with Patrick, Brandon, Chris and the Crew - just like old times, so nice. Early Monday Morning In-n-Out social with Ryan, Dallas, Kader and the Gang - just like old times, so fun. We partied up at the midnight Eclipse showing with Tiffany and the girls. And of course, plenty of time hanging out with my family, who I love more than anything.

Yesterday, we all went to Cocoa Bean (best dessert ever and our office's favorite place) and laughed for an hour straight. Topics of discussion included, but were not limited to, embarrassing stories, worst dates and craziest experiences. AND it was followed by a dance party in the parking lot, no big deal.