A Response to the FYI Post and Slut-Shaming

DISCLAIMER: This is MY blog and MY thoughts. You are also entitled to your own. I love a good discussion and sharing viewpoints. I DON'T like when people respond with "You're wrong!" or "This is so stupid!" or any other idiot way of responding. Be an adult. Start with "I actually think that..." or "See, I feel like..." so we can actually have a civilized conversation. You're not going to actually change anyone's mind. If my mind changes, it's because I changed it, not you. If you come into any argument guns blazing, shouting your viewpoint and degrading others, I tune you out and also I reserve the right to hate you. Fair warning? Ok. Let's proceed.

Yesterday I read the FYI post by Mrs. Hall about her boys, their girl friends, and social media. Read it here.

Then I read a response to Mrs. Hall, somewhat disagreeing and also expanding her argument. Read it here.

Really. Go read them. I'll wait.






Ok thank you. Here is HOW I SEE IT. Not how it's universally to be determined or defined. Just the view of a middle school teacher who works with teens and pre-teens every day. Sure, I'm no mom. But if you think your kid's teachers aren't seeing sides of your kid that you don't see, sides they hide from you or change when you're around, you're delusional. I'm around these kids when they are around their friends, some of whom you've never even met. I'm around them, but I'm nearly invisible at times. They don't even really think of their teachers as "adults" and often ignore our presence in the hallways and classrooms - they say and do things they'd never do in front of their parents and siblings. I've even called home to let a few parents know about things I've overheard that were significant. (If you're ever worried about your kid - try calling their teacher. Find out what you don't know. They're happy to help because they LOVE your kid. I promise) I know how they refer to one another, I know what they say about social media, I even see their social media from time to time. So here is my un-expert opinion on boys, girls, posting sketchy selfies and who we should blame (Hint: It's no one, because blaming "society as a whole!" is bull*&^$. It's not about blame, it's about goals for the future.)

Blog #1 - Mrs. Hall - is saying basically 3 things (I'll paraphrase)

1. "Hey Girls. I know you're picturing your besties, jealous girls and a few key guys you're hoping to attract when you post these pics, but be aware that other people can also see." Really helpful reminder - for all of us! I'll post stuff just thinking of my friends, and not really think about my mom, mother-in-law, student's parents being able to see it. Post like EVERYONE is watching. She says this gently and with love - not slut-shaming. She says you can reclaim your image, delete things, work on it. That's great. I agree.
2. She points out that there are consequences for both parties when photos like that are posted. Never at any point does she actually BLAME the girls or her boys. She does talk about responsibility, which is different, and more important than blame. This is where I'm finding a lot of people getting really overexcited about the "blame the boys!" argument. She never says "It's your fault my boys think sexual thoughts you slutty women!" No. She says what is essentially true - It's possible that when people see a photo of you, their view of you may change, often against your will. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS AS TRUTH, REGARDLESS OF GENDER. For good or bad, any photo can change how you see a person. Did she say that her boys should instantly stop respecting those girls and treat them terribly? No. She didn't. In fact, she seems pretty adamant that her sons respect all women. It doesn't have to be a double standard unless you make it one. I believe she'll make her daughter delete boys who post pics and statuses like that too. The point of this that when we see pictures of girls or boys, objectifying themselves or showing skills, looking smart or looking stupid, our opinion can change and we need to be aware of the messages we send, good and bad. 
3. "There are respectful, decent, classy gentlemen out there that are looking for girls with integrity - wait for them. You may feel like the only way to get a man is through turning yourself into an object, but believe in your beauty and know that it isn't true." Amen, amen and amen. I see these girls every day, I see these boys every day. I see them value the visual and physical, the temporary. Let's promote class and modesty, beauty and knowledge, appreciation and gratitude. 

Blog #2 - Ms. Hains - is saying basically 3 things (paraphrased)

1.  "It's not the girl's fault, it is the boy's. They are choosing to have certain thoughts/desires/actions." I agree with this! I don't agree that Mrs. Hall places the blame on the ladies, though. She doesn't. If you actually READ the post, she loves those girls too and wants the best for them. She is reinforcing her sons' agency by having them take control and delete those young women that may present challenges to them as they work on respecting and honoring women. She knows her boys are responsible for themselves, and she supports it. I'm about to confess something dramatic and potentially scandalous - a mild 'sorry' to my conservative Holdaway clan - but I do wear bikinis on occasion. Not always, but sometimes. I don't wear them to be sexy or show off. I wear them because they fit better, they're easier to find, buy and care for, and I like them. If people have a problem with it, they are choosing that problem - this includes men that see me as a sexual object. HOWEVER. It isn't only the boys fault! If the boys have agency, so do the ladies! Girls are sometimes CHOOSING to show themselves as objects and see themselves that way. Ideally, yes, men would control their thoughts and desires and opinions about women as objects. But for some men and boys they simply aren't going to, and you as women can't control their thoughts - only the way you represent yourself. So make good choices and hope that the boys will follow your lead. Ditch them if they don't - you deserve better. 
2. "The real problem is the objectification of girls - by men and by themselves!" 100% correct. And this is why I think people who bash "slut-shaming" as bad or immoral are completely missing the mark. Slut-shaming, like anything else, should never be rude, derogatory or bullying. That being said, we can't speak out against the objectification of women while also empowering and supporting the objectification of women. Miley Cyrus, case in point. People are defending her freedom of choice, expression, sexuality, adulthood, what-have-you and saying that "slut-shaming" her is sexist. Really? You don't think that the fact that she thought it was appropriate and acceptable that she represent herself as a sexual object with a married man on national television isn't more objectifying? Go ahead. Think whatever you want. But that's just backwards.
3. "We need to teach our sons respect and compassion so that girls don't feel the need to objectify, and so boys don't dwell solely on sexuality." Agree, but again. There IS some responsibility for the ladies. Ideally, yes, again, men should never objectify women. But if girls don't take the time to de-objectify themselves and appreciate their self-worth, how can they expect anyone else to? Many of the girls don't even understand that they are objectifying themselves and that's the role of a parent, teacher, loved one to sit her down and TELL HER how much she's worth. How much she's loved. How many awesome and great things she'll do if she just believes in herself. How much life there is outside of junior high, high school or college.

No one is to "blame" here. Boys will think what they want, hopefully learning to control their thoughts and respect women, as taught by their parents, teachers and friends. Girls will dress and selfie how they want, hopefully learning to represent themselves with the worth they see in themselves, as taught by their parents, teachers and friends.

Stop blaming. Start loving.

Stop pointing fingers. Start pointing out the good things.

These kids are so vulnerable. So confused. So TEMPORARY. They can't see the big picture. They can't see their worth. They can't see that one day they will be adults, one day someone will love them for THEM. We have to be their advocates. We have to tell them how important they are, and how important their gender counterparts are to get them to respect each other and themselves.

It's not about boys or girls, kids or adults. It's about love and respect. Right? Let's do this. Let's help them. Let's love them. Let's talk to them. Let's lead by example. Let's dance. Let's hug and eat guacamole. Let's watch old Disney movies and high five. Ok this is getting away from me. Bye.