Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Two Types of Girls I Won't Let My Brother Date

Friday I was down in Mapleton throwing this baseball-themed bachelorette party for one of my high school softball buddies - Kayla - until about midnight. It was so great to see these lovely ladies again, and meet some of Kayla's post-grad friends. We laughed and laughed and ate way too much popcorn. (no such thing)


I found myself thinking "How lucky am I to have these amazing friends that I can go months and months without seeing, yet fall right back into our comfortable friendship without missing a beat?"

At the same time, I thought about the group texting I was doing with Katie D, Eliesa and Jeanette - my LAO besties from college. These girls were way more than just coworkers, and I don't go more than a few days without contacting them via phone, email or social media. 

Earlier that day I'd been eating lunch and laughing my head off with my teacher friends in the faculty break room, feeling so happy that I finally made friends and fit in at school.

The next day, I'd get comments on my blog from girls I only kind of knew in high school and girls I've never met (looking at you Nicole and Danica!) that I see as good friends. They add so much nice to my life, just through kind words and likes.

That evening I'd be watching the rivalry game with the Ashby's - and Katie A's become one of my closest friends even though we only met a few years ago. I'd say we're even better friends than our husbands at this point. What do you think, Katie?

I thought a lot about my life and my friends. I think I was lucky enough to strike a pretty delicate balance - new and old friends that I can value forever. It got me thinking about girls who can't strike that balance and what that says about them. 

Without Further Ado:  

The Two Types of Girls I Won't Let My Brother Date

Type #1 - The Uncle Rico

I don't mean to say she LOOKS like Uncle Rico, only that this type of girl has the Uncle Rico disease - nostalgia to a fault. These girls peaked in high school and will never be able to completely move on. These girls still hang exclusively with their high school besties, date only boys from their hometown and never make new friends.

What's the problem with this? you may ask. The problem is that these high school, long term friend groups ALWAYS have some level of toxicity, large or small. When these girls stay together, they don't grow or change for the better. They continue to reinforce the negative behaviors they all have, finding comfort in numbers. Maybe even worse - their personalities are stagnated. These are some of the most dull and boring women you will ever meet.

Look on Facebook, and you will find these Uncle Rico girls. Posting the same pictures with the same girls, posting the inane details of their boring lives, and continually trying to maintain their relevance. These are often the girls that marry too quickly and have children so rapidly - to assert that they are something.

These girls are missing out on so much! I love my high school besties and I still see them whenever possible, but what if I'd never met Katie & Eliesa? My life would be very different, and less rich.

Type #2 - The Kleenex

Every time you see this girl she is with a new "bestie." This girl uses people for a brief period, then disposes of them as quickly. She's always running with a new crowd, dating a new boy, dragging a new friend on her overly-accessorized arm. She's in the know and on the scene. This girl absolutely cannot be alone and gets bored with people easily. Spending a night at home is simply not an option.

Why is this girl a problem? Because a girl who can't keep a friend is a girl who doesn't deserve any! Girls like this are catty, selfish and opportunistic. Gentleman - if you ever see a girl that is always with a new friend, never a consistent best friend or group, run. If she can't treat her friends well enough to keep them around, she definitely won't treat you with respect, either.

You will also find this girl ALL over Facebook. She'll have a ridiculous amount of friends (1,000+), 300 different profile pics and each with a different boy or girl, she'll be going to every ALL CAPS FACEBOOK EVENT-ALLOOZA!!!!, and don't be surprised if you see a broken engagement or two.

These girls are so lonely and sad, despite their constant attempts at companionship. They are missing the intimacy that comes with knowing someone so well you can send ugly snapchats and bitchy text complaints with the assurance that they still love you and will always be there for you. How do you live without that? For example, we spent a considerable portion of the night stalking a guy that had recently done some sketchy stuff to one of our friends (Below: Gabi even called his work! LOLZ), and I know those girls would do that for me, too. 

So there you have it, Mitch. When you get home from your mission in 21 months I expect you to fully comply with these guidelines. Find a girl that has great high school and hometown friends that she still sees and loves, but find a girl who also made new friends after high school that she will also stick with. Socially healthy and morally responsible girls take their friendships seriously and treasure them. Good girls are good people, and they are always attracting other good people. Look for someone who values people, new and old, and you'll find someone worthy of your love.


  1. You remind me of both of these girls.

  2. oh yeah. we're totes closer. you are the greatest. i love this list. you defined them so perfectly. i would never let my brothers date those girls either. also? i'm really glad we are friends.